When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Comedian. Then I realised I could slip that into my other output without putting myself under lots of pressure to be funny or arrive at a punchline.
Who is your hero and why?
Apart from my Granny? Probably Andy Kaufman. He was committed to what he believed in terms of engaging his audience and it didn’t matter whether they understood that or not.
In Scotland similar marmite type figures like Limmy, Frankie Boyle and Tom Leonard; Glaswegians who made a success of themselves by facing their demons and speaking their truths no matter what other people had to say about it.
What’s your favourite song?
Hip Hop wise I would probably say MF Doom – Let Me Watch. I really like that Radiohead song from Vanilla Sky as well, though, despite not having a clue what he is saying. Not sure if I have a favourite now that I think about it.
What are you scared of?
Swarms of things. Even swarms of people. Also afraid that people who don’t know me think I’m a cunt; a fear I am being forced to face every day on a gradually larger scale.
Which is better: Twitter or Facebook?
Twitter is better for business. Facebook is better for instant validation but the fact you cannot disable messages makes it almost unusable.
Which is better: salt n vinegar or salt n sauce?
I don’t understand the question.
You’re on a desert island, you can take one person, one book and one type of food. Who would you take, which book and which food?
I’d take my partner (who is also carrying my wee boy but still only counts as one).
Book? I’d take something like Ulysses and have it on a visible shelf in my treehouse just so if anyone ever turned up they would see it and think I was unconventionally smart. I would also keep Robin Cook’s Point of Departure in a private stash somewhere just in case an unlikely time came when I started taking political parties seriously again.
When have you been wrong about something?
At some point in my life I made an assumption that people who were better educated, or who came from a higher social class than me, must automatically be smarter. But that isn’t always true.
What really makes you angry?
I’d like to say something noble like ‘inequality’ or ‘ecological destruction’ or ‘wealth polarization’. But those things only make me angry when I’m not being angry about more self-centred things like my intentions being misunderstood or seeing someone I hate doing well in life.
What really makes you happy?
Colour coordination and having nothing to do tomorrow.
If you could spend an hour with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and what would you ask them?
Bill Hicks. I would ask him why he gave the waffle waitress such a hard time for asking what he was reading for. I’d also ask him why he didn’t write more material. His whole career consists of about two hours of jokes. I know he died young, but still.
If you met David Cameron today what would you say to him?
I’d ask him if how does one so sheltered raise an issue with Vladimir Putin without everyone bursting out laughing. And also, does he really chastise the president of China about human rights behind the scenes or is that just something we have to say publicly so we don’t look like shitebags?
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