Balder McDash reports: UK Government confirms Grease bailout; Scotland to be turned into airport


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COMMONSPACE’s newest reporter, Balder McDash, joins Jock Thamson-Bairn in our weekend staff, bringing you all the stories from the week we guarantee you’ve missed.

Government confirms grease bailout

THE Conservative Government has confirmed its decision to tackle growing levels of grease in the House of Commons.

Sales of chip butties and square sausage have increased exponentially since the arrival of the 56 SNP MPs.

Nicola Sturgeon has called for a referendum on the issue. However, MPs are divided on what to do next – leave the Commons and risk losing butty privileges or stay and fight.

An SNP source was quoted as saying: “They may take our lives, but they will never take our butties.”

Nicola Sturgeon commented: “This all proves that the Tories have no legitimacy in Scotland. The ‘Eton chums’ simply do not appreciate good, proper food.”

Scotland to be turned into an airport

SCOTLAND is to become a giant airport, the UK Government has confirmed.

Following a dispute over an extra runway at either Gatwick or Heathrow airports which threatened to divide the country, David Cameron said the government had instead opted for Scotland.

Facing criticism that the new service would be situated hundreds of miles from London, the prime minister said: “We’ve decided to expand London to cover the rest of England, and that other bit on the left, Sharks.

“This really solves a lot of problems. For example, how better can you be a northern powerhouse than just be London?

“And as for Scotland, if the SNP starts going on about a raw deal at the expense of the south-east again, there’ll be plenty of planes to hop on.”

He added: “Jolly good.”

A spokesperson for the SNP said: “We are appalled at the latest development from Westminster, although our 56 MPs are excited about an improved service between London and the new Scotland Airport.”

Osborne proposes radical new cuts

IN a concerted effort to improve the UK’s standing, leading members of the government are being challenged to adopt drastic new cuts.

The move comes after research by the University of Manchester found that “excessive and unkempt hair can distract and irritate the public while at the same time causing the government to lose focus.”

Research commissioned through independent pollster U-Suk found that 65 per cent of the electorate do not like the government’s tendency to resemble clapped out 70s rock musicians; though others suggested that the shaggy appearance of certain ministers may offer some fringe benefits.

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne said he wanted others to follow his lead in rejecting the old, unkempt ways and push the UK forward towards a smarter, more streamlined future.

Clare Balding to host all BBC programmes

TV HOST Clare Balding is set to front all BBC programmes from 2016.

Balding is an instantly recognisable figure in the world of sports broadcasting and, arguably, the world, the BBC said.

Yesterday at a press conference Tony Hall, director-general, confirmed the decision: “Clare is rightly regarded as a national treasure and we are confident that she will bring added polish to some of our most popular programmes.”

Balding commented that she was “very excited about hosting the Antiques Roadshow; although it is going to be difficult to fit it in alongside Strictly, Pointless and Gardeners’ World”.

Balding is also set to appear as a coach on The Voice and there are rumours that she will take over from Peter Capaldi as The Doctor. However, the decision to cast her alongside Chris Evans as a new Top Gear host has been met with a mixed reaction.

Jeremy Clarkson declined to comment.

Picture courtesy of BackBoris2012 Campaign, Scott Marley and SouthEastern Star