Columnist Craig Paton offers his weekly sketch of First Minister’s Questions
A VERY warm welcome to a very unimportant FMQs, it’s not like there’s a lot going on this week, so this one doesn’t really matter.
Even still, it was a bit of a testy one that seemed to centre around whether Kez did or did not say that she wants to support independence. So testy in fact, that Ken ‘The Mutilator’ Macintosh had to step in on two occasions to restore order.
In other news, I had a hilarious Twitter conversation with David Coburn and you should definitely see it before you go to the polls.
Ruth Davidson isny happy
This week, the Tory leader moved away from her usual question on the sorry state of education, and onto the much more important realm of political point scoring, which is, of course, much more important.
After both she and the first minister expressed their condolences for what happened in London over the weekend, Davidson asked: “Why does the first minister believe that private conversations should not stay private?”
A brief ripple fell over the chamber – part disbelief, part amusement – as the Tory leader pointed to a comment from the first minister on the STV leaders debate from the night before. Sturgeon said on the programme that, during a phone call with Kezia Dugdale after the Brexit referendum, Dugdale said that it may be time for Labour to support independence.
Davidson jumped on this at the debate, and did the same in the chamber.
Sturgeon began by saying that she did believe that private conversations should stay so, before saying that the information was in the public domain due to the Times reporting that there were “secret talks” between the two leaders, which I imagine was an all round more boring affair than it sounds, but the independence angle was not part of the story.
The first minister continued, saying that the issue of independence was being used by all opposition parties as a smokescreen, and in the Tories’ case to shield their “toxic policies” like the rape clause, austerity and Brexit.
What she never said was that it’s also to hide away from their toxic patter, as anyone who has heard about Theresa May’s wheat field-related antics can attest to.
“Everybody now knows not to have a private conversation with the first minister,” Davidson retorted, “because if it suits her purposes, everybody will get to hear about it.”
This was the first time that Presiding Officer Ken Macintosh had to lay down the hammer, using all the toughness imbued upon him from his Invernessian upbringing to warn the Tory leader about her use of unparliamentary language.
The Tory leader then stated that the question of the truth still remains, with Sturgeon saying that it did happen, but Dugdale saying that it’s a “pack of lies”, as Davidson put it.
This was the first time that Presiding Officer Ken Macintosh had to lay down the hammer, using all the toughness imbued upon him from his Invernessian upbringing to warn the Tory leader about her use of unparliamentary language.
The first minister stood by her comments, and said that the Labour party was considering all options at that time, including independence, before restating that this was an excuse to defer from the fact that the SNP is the only party that can stop the Tories from “tightening their grip … and doing what they want in Scotland”.
That and Willie Rennie and his band of wildlife critters, which includes a group of alpacas, some very angry rams and a three headed snake that he is currently training in the remote Islay wilderness.
What followed was an extension of the entirety of the campaigns from these two leaders, so here’s the cliffnotes: the Tories are scoundrels who want to literally murder you and a selection of old people, and all the SNP wants is independence, despite the fact the only people bringing it up every 3.8 seconds aren’t actually in the SNP.
Kezia Dugdale: Renegade
Finally now we get to see what we came here for, two women shouting at each other about whether they did or did not say something. It’s like a more civilised Jeremy Kyle.
Dugdale said that it was clear that the first minister would “say anything to deflect from the SNP’s appalling record in office”. In an attempt to then scurry away from the issue at hand, Dugdale then asked why there are more nursing and midwifery posts left unfilled than ever before.
Sturgeon was hardly about to let her counterpart away with it so quickly, retorting: “I know what she said in that conversation and so does she.”
She also went on to sort of, kind of, maybe defend Kez’s position, saying: “There is nothing whatsoever wrong with Kezia Dugdale changing her mind since [the private conversation],” before turning that car around, aiming it at the Scottish Labour leader, punching the accelerator and saying: “What is wrong is for her, having held that view, to suggest that people who still hold that view are somehow expressing something unthinkable.”
In any event, Macintosh was back at it, having to lay the hammer down as only he knows, with one simple word. “Order.”
At this point, there was a disruption in the chamber, reports have since surfaced that Daniel Johnson, sensing that his leader was in trouble, may have risen from his chair, removed his shirt and started spinning it around his head. These reports remain unconfirmed because I just made them up.
In any event, Macintosh was back at it, having to lay the hammer down as only he knows, with one simple word. “Order.”
The first minister went on to answer the actual question, saying that 12,000 more people have been employed by the NHS since the SNP took office, and that Scotland has the highest NHS staff per head of population in the UK.
But let’s get back to the all important mudslinging.
“That is the latest fib from the first minister.”
“That is yet more fake news from the first Minister,” Dugdale replied – a comment that just accents the utter sass from Kez in this session.
This again brought ire from the presiding officer, saying that Dugdale couldn’t use unparliamentary language.
Being completely undeterred, and sassier than usual, Dugdale said: “That is another thing that she has not told the truth about.”
Which drew another thwacking from the presiding officer, telling her not to impugn the character of the first minister in the chamber.
When she did get back to the point at hand, Dugdale said 500 operations had been cancelled due to “pressures on NHS resources”, something that the first minister said could have been for “a variety of reasons”.
“That is yet more fake news from the first Minister,” Dugdale replied – a comment that just accents the utter sass from Kez in this session.
She then said that a vote for Labour is a vote to kick out the Tories, for investment in schools and hospitals, for a £10 living wage and £3bn more for public services. Sturgeon described this as “another flip flop” by Dugdale, given her previous description of Corbyn as unelectable.
Patrick Harvie and the environment … surprisingly
Now came the time of ‘Mr Waistcoat’ Patrick Harvie, who started his remarks with a message of condolence to those affected by the London attacks, and condemnation of the opportunistic shitebaggery of Donald Trump in his attacks on London Mayor Sadiq Khan.
Moving on to his real question, Harvie stated that the Greens have long argued for greater investment in renewables, instead of subsidising the oil industry. He asked Sturgeon how she can defend subsidies to the worst polluters on the planet.
Sturgeon stated that the question is not one that’s an either/or, stating that the oil industry is important to both the economy and the energy needs of the country, which means that it should be supported.
Not actually answering the question, Sturgeon said that she may have to simply “agree to disagree” with Patrick Harvie.
The first minister then said that her government has set out ambitious targets that have been met ahead of schedule, such as producing 50 per cent of the country’s electricity using renewable sources. The other half is produced by having Alex Salmond running on a treadmill somewhere in the north-west.
Speaking of the Paris agreement, Harvie said that it is “vital that greater action is taken by all countries” if it is to be more than a piece of paper.
Harvie then said that the only voices in politics that stand against those in support of maximum oil extraction are the Greens, asking what amount of North Sea oil should be left unburned to make a fair contribution to the Paris goal.
Not actually answering the question, Sturgeon said that she may have to simply “agree to disagree” with Patrick Harvie.
“We are meeting our climate change targets, we are meeting the targets we are meeting the targets that we set on renewable energy and we are going further and setting even more ambitious targets.”
I think, and don’t quote me on this, that Sturgeon likes to say the word “target”.
Willie Rennie’s mental health irritation
Taking a break from his wildlife-based capers to ask a substantive question, Willie Rennie described the recent NHS report into mental health as “appalling”.
“The latest figures show that more young people are waiting for treatment and that they are waiting longer. Why are things worse this year than last year?” he asked.
“I do not think that is the case,” said the first minister, straight out of blocks. She then said that there were some improvements in Child and Adolescent Mental Health (CAMHS), pointing to the fact that 10 in 14 health boards are meeting the 18-week waiting period and that the number of people waiting more than a year has dropped by 0.7 per cent.
“Fewer young people were treated this year than last year, and those people had to wait longer,” said Rennie, adding “the government’s psychological therapies for adults is worse this year than it has ever been before.”
Blantyre lass Monica Lennon also asked about the college lecturers strike and Neil Findlay had an absolute corker of an opening line that has to be seen to be believed.
Rennie went on to ask if the first minister could guarantee that the situation would be better next year than this year. Shockingly, Sturgeon failed to answer the question, saying: “We are seeing improvements, and we intend to continue to see improvements.”
She then pointed to the number of CAMHS workers growing by 65 per cent in the past “number of years”, which is a very scientific way to look at it.
Sturgeon ended by saying that they will invest more and follow the mental health strategy to make sure that there is more progress made.
That brings this edition to a close. Watch the full session above if you want, I’m sure you’ll be very entertained. This week’s ‘Softball of the Week’ came from Ash Denham – just you check it out to see how great it isn’t.
Blantyre lass Monica Lennon also asked about the college lecturers strike and Neil Findlay had an absolute corker of an opening line that has to be seen to be believed.
Of course, last but not least, we have a General Election today, something that is wildly important to country and to our democracy.
If you’re registered – vote.
Pictures courtesy of the Scottish Parliament
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