CommonSpace weekend reporter Balder McDash brings the week’s big stories
Adele to complain less by 2018
SINGER Adele will brighten up a bit before the end of the decade, it has been confirmed.
It’s understood the singer will tone down the dourness of her lyrics in time for the next album, scheduled for release in 2018.
The release of her latest album, 25, was met by mixed reactions with some fans calling for her to “chill out” and “stop complaining about the past”.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that her next album will be titled ‘No More Numbers’ and will feature only upbeat and happy songs about making a ton of money out of spreading misery.
Diehard Adele fan Nicola Sturgeon commented: “I’m disappointed by the announcement. In my opinion, the downbeat nature of Adele’s lyrics reflects the Scottish psyche. I may now have to reconsider my membership to IHeartAdele.com.”
Adele commented: “I won an Oscar. Beat that Nicky Sturge.”
Sturgeon replied: “56 SNP MPs. I don’t think anything else comes close to that.
“Sorry, 55 SNP MPs.
“Sorry, 54 SNP MPs. Just never mind.”
Osborne revealed as Star Wars villain
MONTHS of speculation about the identity of the villain in the upcoming Star Wars film has ended after the publication of a text sent from George Osborne to director J.J Abrams.
The message stated: “Hi J. Very excited about being in the film. My political career is really going to help with this one. Collecting my red lightsaber from prop team 2morro. George.”
Fans were stunned by the revelation that Osborne is playing villain Kylo Ren in the movie, scheduled for release in December.
According to the official synopsis, the villain is committed to the total annihilation of the galaxy but changes his mind after he is defeated by a powerful group of combatants: the ‘League of Lords’.
He then makes a dramatic U-turn in his spaceship and moves on to another part of the solar system.
Next Hunger Games film to be called ‘Black Friday’
FANS of The Hunger Games series were this week surprised by the announcement that the next instalment will be called ‘Black Friday’.
Rumours suggest that the film will feature a new group of characters: 12 greedy shoppers, all fighting for the prize of a lifetime (25 per cent off a Sony TV).
On the sound of the klaxon, the shoppers will race towards the department store entrance and will have 15 minutes to navigate their way around the isles in search of the prize.
The weakest members of the group will be eliminated from the competition and leave the shop with severe injuries.
Actress Jennifer Lawrence commented: “I don’t really care about the franchise anymore. And when it comes to televisions, I already have 14, so…”
It’s understood that the blockbuster may prompt a celebrity spin-off featuring leaders from middle eastern and western nations in a forest searching for a non-existant barrel of oil, only to find after several years that the rest of the world stopped watching after about a week.