McDash Reports: Blair was committed to botox in 2002; Alex Salmond to be next Bond; Joubert late for an appointment


CommonSpace weekend reporter Balder McDash brings the week’s big stories

Blair was committed to botox in 2002


A LEAKED White House memo this week confirmed allegations that former Prime Minister Tony Blair was committed to botox treatment from as early as 2002.

In the memo, former US President George Bush is reported to have written: “I have the support of Blair. We’re going to do this together.

“Preserving our appearances is vital. We must safeguard ourselves from WMDs [Wrinkles of Mass Destruction].”

Tony Blair commented: “Look, all of this is consistent with what I said at the time. Wrinkles were capable of destroying us.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. George and I acted accordingly. Going by the number of creases on my face, we definitely made the right decision. We were within 45 minutes of fresh frown lines.

“It’s not my fault the army got the wrong end of the stick.”

Sir John Chilcot, who is leading an inquiry into the Iraq war, is reported to have said: “This is a real game changer. I’m going to have to go back to the drawing board.

“Don’t expect anything from me anytime soon.”

Alex Salmond to be next Bond


FORMER First Minister Alex Salmond was this week tipped as a likely contender to take on the role of James Bond.

The news comes just days after Daniel Craig announced his intention to step down as 007 after the release of his latest outing in Spectre.

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon commented: “I couldn’t think of anyone more suited to the role of a spy.

“Alex already has experience as an evil genius mastermind. That gives him an edge. He ticks all the right boxes.”

Rumours suggest that Sturgeon herself has informally been offered the role of Miss Moneypenny.

When asked about his successor, actor Daniel Craig commented: “Look I’ve already said that I don’t care. Couldn’t care less. I’m going on holiday.”

However, upon hearing the news about Salmond, Craig added: “What?! Salmond? You have got to be kidding me.

“How bad was I?”

Salmond added: “I’ll tear them down from within. Shaken, not stirred… I’ve got this.”

Other contenders for the role of 007 are rumoured to include: Gordon Brown, David Walliams and Judy Dench.

Joubert late for an appointment


THIS WEEK South African referee Craig Joubert was criticised for sprinting off the pitch at the end of the rugby match between Scotland and Australia shortly after awarding a controversial penalty.

Scottish supporters were furious after the match, though some have come to forgive Joubert after he revealed that he was late for a doctors appointment.

Lifelong Scottish rugby fan Ruff McTough commented: “Aye well fair enough on the bloke. Trust me when I say that a know how tricky it is tae get an appointment these days with thae Tories an that.”

Scottish rugby captain Greg Laidlaw said: “As a team we’re gutted. But Joubert’s health comes first. I think we can put it all behind us on this occasion.”

Joubert said: “I wish I hadn’t bothered now. The doctor referred me to an optician and slammed the door.”

Pictures courtesy of Sam Carpenter , Ewan McIntosh and Neil Winton