McDash Reports: Cameron to star in Peppa Pig; Army threatens coup over Strictly Come Dancing; Green Party ‘would ban lego’

27/09/2015
CommonWeal

CommonSpace weekend reporter Balder McDash brings the big stories

David Cameron to star in Peppa Pig

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IN a statement to the nation, Prime Minster David Cameron this week announced that hehas secured a leading role in a 2016 production of Peppa Pig: Live.

It is reported that Cameron will play the show’s villain, ‘Mean Mr Politician’, an evil politician who plans to tax Peppa and George for the spare bedroom in their house.

In an exclusive interview with The Moon, Cameron said: “I’m absolutely thrilled to be involved in such a brilliant live action production of a true British classic.

“Pigs have always been a big part of my life. I played piggy in the middle every day at Eton. And who could forget my little rendezvous at an initiation evening. I was bloody born to play this part.”

However, the move has caused tension among the production team.

Peppa Pig said: “Cameron kept winking at me during a planning meeting. I’m consulting my union.”

Army threatens coup over Strictly Come Dancing

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THE British army has threatened to take matters into its own hands if Peter Andre wins this year’s Strictly Come Dancing.

General Tom Gunn said: “He is never off the telly. If David Cameron can’t protect the British public from their own licence fee payments we have to step in.

“This is clearly a matter of national security.”

General Gunn added Simon Cowell’s attitude, another Spice Girls comeback and the England team’s failure to win the next world cup as other possible triggers for army intervention in Britain.

A spokesperson for the BBC said: “Ooh another critic. Look, someone else is having a go at the BBC. Ooooohh. Tell him to join the fucking queue.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn added: “God Save The… haha, had you there.”

Green Party ‘would ban lego’

Lego

GREEN PARTY leader Natalie Bennett this week confirmed her party’s opposition to popular children’s toy Lego.

The news comes only two days after she suggested that a Green government would ban the Grand National horse race.

Speaking from her eco-friendly treehouse, Bennett said: “Lego poses a dangerous threat to children, households and, above all, the environment.

“We suggest that children play with some eco friendly grass instead.”

Leading right-wing columnist Ted Smirk of the Daily Tory said: “This proves my point that the Greens have no credibility whatsoever. They do not have the necessary building blocks to run the country. Quite literally.”

Rumours suggest that the party would also ban toothpaste, milk, carpets, toilets and music.

Sam Smith in the naughty corner

Sam Smith

THE release of Sam Smith’s James Bond theme, ‘Writing’s on the Wall’, was this week met with mixed reactions.

The singer was greatly criticised for spending only ’20 minutes’ writing the song, which critics said explained why it sounded rushed, bland and incomplete.

Sam’s high-school English teacher Mrs Longsword commented: “That boy was a
nightmare in my class. He didn’t spend enough time on his homework and always ended up in the naughty corner. Explains a lot, if you ask me.”

Music fan Susan Beat described the song as a “steaming pile of shit” while Hipster Julian Tone-Deaf said: “It’s actually very clever if you’re clever enough to get it, like me.”

While sipping a strawberry daiquiri on a St Tropez beach, fellow Bond singer Dame Shirley Bassey added: “Smith? Never heard of him.”

Pictures courtesy of Number 10 , The Zender Agenda , Chris Christian and Tom O’Donoghue