McDash Reports: Corbyn plot to introduce beard-only train carriages revealed; Robots target Usain Bolt; Jedward to receive knighthood


CommonSpace weekend reporter Balder McDash brings you the big stories of the week

Corbyn plot to introduce beard-only train carriages revealed


A COMMONS insider this week revealed that Labour leadership hopeful Jeremy Corbyn is putting a plan in motion to create beard-only train carriages if he wins election.

The announcement comes only days after Corbyn said women-only carriages should be explored.

A source said: “It’ll be quite a natural change really. Once Jeremy enforces his policy of all adult men in the UK growing a beard and then separates the women into other carriages, the beard will finally have a safe place on public transport.”

The revelation came after early research commissioned through independent pollster U-SUK found that 80 per cent of women did not like the idea of women-only carriages, and 30 per cent of those questioned expressed concern that Corbyn was secretly planning to introduce separate carriages for men with beards.

However, Corbyn’s women-only carriages plan has received backing from an unlikely source – leadership rival Harriet Harman.

Speaking from inside her Fiat 500, Harman said: “I really like Jeremy’s proposal.

“Harassment on trains is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. However, there is a challenge in getting women comfortable with the idea. That’s why I’m proposing that we paint the carriages pink. By doing that we’re sure to win female hearts and minds.”

Robots target Usain Bolt


A LEAKED MI5 report this week suggested that artificial intelligence may have been behind this week’s attack on athlete Usain Bolt.

Shortly after winning the 200m race at the World Athletics Championships in Beijing, the man with the most expensive legs in the world was floored by a rogue segway.

The leaked report comes only two weeks after the shocking revelation that David Cameron is an android controlled by Donald Trump.

According to the report, this is robots’ first step towards global domination and the destruction of the human race.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is reported to have said: “I told you so. I’ll be back.”

Jedward to receive knighthood


IT was this week announced that Irish music legends Jedward are to receive a knighthood for their “services to trash TV and bad music”.

The pair are reportedly ecstatic about their new title, ‘Sir Jedward’. Speaking at exactly the same time, they were quoted saying: “We just caaan’t believe it. We’re over the moon; it’s a dream come truuuue.”

Jedward are understood to have expressed their intention to bring a Bill before the House requiring all members of the House of Commons and the House of Lords to maximise hair height using their chosen brand of gel.

Prime Minister David Cameron commented: “I’m absolutely thrilled that Jedward are, at long last, receiving deserved recognition for their hard work and talent. I’m confident that they’ll fit right in with the Establishment.”

Number 10 has also signalled that Katies Hopkins and Price are to become Dames while Jeremys Kyle and Clarkson are to become Members of the Privy Council.

Clarkson, speaking from his caravan holiday in Cornwall, was said to be “absolutely underwhelmed”.

Pictures courtesy of Garry Knight , Jesse Means and Michael Dorausch