CommonSpace’s Balder McDash brings you the week’s big stories
Government to introduce Tory flavoured e-cigarette
A SPOKESPERSON for No.10 this week confirmed the government’s intention to introduce a ‘Tory’ flavoured e-cigarette from 2016 in a bid to boost its support.
Taste trials conducted in Cheltenham found that 97 per cent of voters felt “successful, hard-working and satisfied with the government” after using the product. However, voters in Glasgow said that they felt “truly awful, devastated and taken for granted”.
Prime Minister David Cameron commented: “This new flavour is sure to boost our popularity with the good people of Britain. After tasting these bad boys, commoners will be in no doubt that we are the party of the working people.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that, in response, the SNP is working on a vapour of its own: independence flavoured.
Face of Nicola Sturgeon discovered on Mona Lisa
THE art world was stunned this week by the announcement that Nicola Sturgeon’s face has been found beneath Leonardo Da Vinci’s masterpiece ‘The Mona Lisa’.
French scientist Pascal Dans-La Douche, who made the discovery using reflective light technology, commented: “I couldn’t believe it. The discovery confirms my long held belief that Leonardo had regular visions of a ‘funny sounding woman’ wearing a dress with the number 56 on it. He was seeing into the future.”
The Louvre Museum has declined to comment because it “was hoping for it to have been the face of Kezia Dugdale”.
SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon commented: “I’m thrilled! Chuffed to bits. And I’m quite confident that if Leonardo was alive today, he would support an independent Scotland.”
Access to the painting is temporarily closed to the public. However, the museum has confirmed that it will be back on display in early 2016 as ‘The Nicky Sturge’.
Katie Hopkins nominated for Golden Globe
‘ACCLAIMED’ right-wing columnist Katie Hopkins was this week announced as a Golden Globe nominee for best actress.
A spokesperson for the Hollywood Foreign Press confirmed that she has been nominated for her convincing performance as ‘someone who pretends they know something about politics but really hasn’t a clue’.
US Republican candidate Donald Trump commented: “Katie’s great and she really deserves the award. Like me, she doesn’t know what she’s taking about and doesn’t know the first heck thing about running a country.”
Comedian Ricky Gervais, the host for the ceremony, commented: “Well, the good news is that I won’t be the most controversial person there on the night.”
Katie Hopkins, who is hard at work to find another minority group to insult, was unavailable for comment.