McDash Reports: Housing crisis: Tories to produce 200,000 cardboard boxes; NTAs criticised for Scottish bias; New planet even bigger than Trump’s ego


CommonSpace’s Balder McDash brings the big stories

Housing crisis: Tories to produce 200,000 cardboard boxes

PRIME MINISTER David Cameron this week announced that the Tory government will produce 200,000 new cardboard boxes every year in an effort to solve Britain’s housing crisis.

The announcement, made at PMQs on Wednesday, was met by sheer horror from the SNP, mild horror from Corbynites, and very mild horror from the majority of the Labour party.

In an exclusive interview with BBC political editor Laura AnyoneButCorbynSburg, Cameron commented: “As a party we’ve decided that boxes are the best way to solve this country’s housing crisis.

“Plebs around the UK won’t have to worry about central heating or mortgages. All they’ll have to do is place their box on a pavement and shelter there for the night.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who is rumoured to be pumping iron at the gym in an attempt to ‘spice things up at PMQs’, was unavailable to comment.

NTA award criticised for Scottish bias

THE NATIONAL TELEVISION AWARDS were this week criticised for giving comedian Billy Connolly a Special Recognition Award.

It is reported that TOFFcom received more than 5,000 complaints from viewers who were angered by ITV’s ‘unfair bias towards Scotland’.

Toffina McToff, editor of Tory magazine Huzzah!, commented: “Yaah darling I was totally and absolutely bloody shocked by the decision to award a Scot with such a prestigious award.

“I mean, come on, the Jocks get enough as it is.”

She added: “Independence can’t come soon enough.”

Research commissioned through independent pollster U-SUK found that 73 per cent of viewers in the south of England felt that Katie Hopkins should have received the award.

New planet even bigger than Donald Trump’s ego

RESEARCHERS at the Brian Cox Institute of All Things Geeky this week announced that they have found evidence of a new planet in the outer solar system.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that ‘Planet Nine’ could be even larger than Donald Trump’s ego.

Professor Brian Cox is reported to be overjoyed by the revelation. Rumours suggest that this may be because, as a result, his BBC programme ”taring at stars for ages’ has been recommissioned for 44 more series.

Doctor Zhivago, yet another brain-box, commented: Well obviously this poses a great challenge to the science community. We have yet to invent a measurement large enough to calculate the size of Trump’s ego. Planet Nine could be impossible.”

Timetraveller Peter Capaldi said: “Awch aye! I’m thrilled. Now I can go on and on and on and on being an old man prancing around a big blue box in skinny jeans.”

Pictures courtesy of Jonathan Dorsett , Tracey Alvarez and Gage Skidmore