McDash Reports: Intelligent life discovered on Earth; X Factor to be rebranded for dogs; Labour’s nuclear meltdown

05/10/2015
CommonWeal

CommonSpace’s Balder McDash brings the big stories from the weekend

Intelligent life discovered on Earth

Earth

THIS week NASA broke months of speculation with a surprise announcement that intelligent life has been discovered on Earth.

The news was widely welcomed by people, who took to Twitter and Facebook to collectively exclaim: “OMFG.”

Nasa scientist John Jupiter explained: “There are very intelligent animals on our planet, as our research has concluded.

“Not humans though, you’re all still mind-bogglingly stupid for the most part.”

US Presidential candidate Donald Trump added: “Yeah, Way to go! I’m going to burn some fossil fuels just for the hell of it to celebrate this humungous discovery.”

X Factor to be rebranded for dogs

SimonCowell

A SPOKESPERSON for ITV this week confirmed that The X Factor is going to be rebranded to reach a new audience.

The announcement comes three days after a report by TOFFcom revealed that more dogs already tune in to watch the Saturday night show than humans.

‘WoofFactor’ will air in the Spring of 2016 with judges Simon Growl, Cheryl Collie and commentators are already speculating as to how canine sob stories will fit in to the new format.

Future contestant Buster lost a leg in a tragic bark-off battle. He is already expected to make it through to live shows.

Dog lover and Caravan International President Jeremy Clarkson commented: “Brilliant. Totally brilliant. It’s just what pooches all around the country have been whining for.”

Labour’s nuclear meltdown

JeremyCorbyn

LABOUR’S annual party conference was this week troubled by an internal dispute over Britain’s nuclear defence system, Trident.

Party leader Jeremy Corbyn encountered criticism from fellow MPs after announcing that, as prime minister, he would never ‘push the button’.

Speaking from his sub bike-shed bunker, Corbyn commented: “These fall-out rumours are untrue. We have a nu clear policy, and as a party we’re driving in the fas’lane.

“Pre-emptive strikes from front-bench colleagues are no deterrent.”

Prime Minister David Cameron is reported to have exploded upon hearing the news.

Picture courtesy of Royce Bair , Allie Martin and Chris Beckett