CommonSpace weekend reporter Balder McDash brings you the week’s big stories
Jim Murphy takes job as Sturgeon assistant
FORMER Scottish Labour leader Jim Murphy has taken a job as First Minister Nicola Sturgeon’s personal assistant.
Murphy is reportedly trying to make a comeback following his humiliating General Election defeat in May, but Sturgeon is said to be disgruntled so far by his “lacklustre, unconvincing and dour” attitude to making coffee.
An insider said: “Nicola’s a patient woman, but if Jim wants to keep this job he’s going to have to stop leaping up onto her desk when she’s not in with that megaphone. I’m seriously going to rip his tongue out of his head.”
Murphy commented: “I promised to make the SNP listen to the people of Scotland. I have a good 10 seconds with Nicola everytime I make her a brew, and if I throw a biscuit in I can stretch it to 20.
“By the time I’ve talked about the football like a working class guy it doesn’t give me much time to talk about the greatness of Great Britain, but the other day she said she thought digestive biscuits were better together with tea, so I think it’s working.”
SNP demands control over the galaxy
SNP LEADER Nicola Sturgeon this week announced her party’s annoyance over the delivery of new powers to Scotland.
In response she has asked that planet earth give full controls over the Milky Way to the Scottish Parliament by 2017.
Scientist Brian Cox has confirmed that full galactic control would give Scotland power over the planets, space and time.
MP Mhairi Black commented: “I want Scotland to be a powerful nation again. We, as a party, hope that galactic control will help us us defeat the English once and for all.”
Prime Minister David Cameron commented: “When will the SNP stop banging on about more and more powers? If they want something extra-terrestrial all they have to do is look at Alex Salmond.”
Salmond responded: “David, I am your father.”
Tristram Hunt: “Jeremy Corbyn is a poor person”
THIS WEEK MP Tristram Hunt described Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn as a “poor person” during a speech at Cambridge University.
Hunt visited the university to warn students about Corbyn’s plans of impending doom leading to “the end of the world as we know it”.
A university cleaner overheard him say: “You students are the top one per cent. Put on a posh accent, reclaim control of the Labour party, and stop that evil man at all costs.”
One student said: “Top speech! Ya, total brilliant! Who is this Corbyn fellow anyway? He just waltzes in, pretending that he knows something about politics. The man doesn’t even have a chauffeur! Ridiculous, ya.”
Corbyn commented: “I don’t do personal. I only do politics. But I will say this… have you seen Tristram’s hair lately? It’s worse than Boris Johnson’s.”