CommonSpace’s weekend news man, Balder McDash, rounds up the main stories
NHS remodelled as the Hunger Games
JEREMY HUNT, secretary of state for health, has announced his intention to remodel the NHS in the style of the Hunger Games.
Members of the public will now compete to receive medical treatment. On the sound of the klaxon, patients will race towards the operating theatre.
Harriet Harman, acting leader of Labour Party, said: “I actually agree with Jeremy’s decision. We have to accept that we lost the election because people found us lacking in imagination.”
David Cameron added: “Jeremy’s doing a marvellous job. As Prime Minister he has my full support. Our NHS is precious and valuable.
“Commoners must learn that free healthcare must be earned through a combination of hard work and determination.”
Labour party washes up on beach
FRENCH investigators this week identified debris found on Reunion Island as fragments of the Labour party.
Tragedy occurred when the party crashed without warning in May. Infighting had broken out among MPs over the direction of travel, causing the party to enter a steep descent and lose control.
Only a few pieces of debris have been identified so far. These are understood to include a large pledge stone and the remains of a bacon sandwich.
Officials have predicted that they will soon find other items washed up on the shoreline; ideas for example. However, no ideas have been discovered to date as it is understood that none of them ever floated.
Chuckle Brothers to run for London Mayor
PAUL and Barry Chuckle have announced their bid to become London Mayor.
Speaking at their campaign launch in downtown Soho, the much loved entertainers commented: “We’ve spent our careers to date as bumbling fools so we reckon we’re perfect for the job.”
Independent candidate George Galloway said: “This is scandalous, villainous and outrageous; it will bring nothing but shame and dishonour upon the good people of London Town. To the chuckle twins I say this: you have little credibility.”
Paul and Barry have been criticised for entering the contest as a duo. Leading right wing columnist Ted Smirk of The Daily Tory commented: “These chuckle fellows will cause chaos and confusion. How on earth will they tackle the big issues facing this great city?”
To this Paul replied: “Easy. Tube strike…to me, terrorism….to you, housing…to me…”
Also in the running are Sarah Millican, Dappy from N-Dubz and Katie Hopkins.
After hearing this, Barry reportedly said: “Oh dear oh dear oh dear.”
Picture courtesy of sabl3t3k