McDash Reports: Nicola Sturgeon to portray Voldemort in new JK Rowling book; Scottish Greens demand inclusion in election boxing match


CommonSpace’s Balder McDash brings the week’s big stories

Nicola Sturgeon to portray Voldemort in new JK Rowling book


NICOLA STURGEON will be revealed as Lord Voldemort’s latest form in a new Harry Potter book, author JK Rowling has announced.

Fans of the wizarding world were surprised at news that Rowling is reprising her magical characters, including the addition of new Defence Against The Dark Arts tutor Professor B Spanner.

Globally acclaimed author Rowling commented: “In the next book you’ll read about the new spell that I’ve created: ‘IHatusIndependenciaAndAlexSalmondencia.’

“I don’t think I’ve kicked the arse out of this at all.”

Playing Professor B Spanner in the new movie, actor Euan McCombover said: “I’m delighted. It’s been a busy time for me lately, I’ve got a few jobs on the go right now.”

Scottish Greens demand inclusion in election boxing match


THE Scottish Green Party has protested after it was announced that it would not be included in a Holyrood election campaign boxing match.

Party co-convener Patrick Harvey, who has reportedly been in strict training, demanded that his party be included in the televised event.

A spokesperson for British Election Boxing (BEB) commented: “After lengthy negotiations, we have come to the conclusion that Patrick is not up to the physical standards of boxing legends Kez, Ruth and Sturgeon.”

When asked about the decision to include the Liberal Democrats, BEB responded: “Sympathy.”

Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale commented: “The Labour Party has, in my opinion, been lacking something big … me. Most people don’t know that I’m a former champion.

“We can’t afford to rely on policy, unity or skill. This match is my party’s only hope.”

Trump tweets Kanye: “I am your OG and will be respected”


THIS WEEK political phenomenon Donald Trump launched a huge online tirade against rapper Kanye West.

After various comments from West about Trump’s bid to become president, The Donald hit back with a series of foul-mouthed tweets about the rapper’s music and style.

On Twitter, Republican candidate Trump wrote: “Kanye West … more like Kanye Not. Do you agree Scots? #AIMED” followed by, “Kanye West stinks. He’s a total loser. No one ever listens to his albums. I am your OG and will be respected.”

West responded with a number of his own tweets: “Sorry Donald. I really didn’t mean it.

“Please forgive me. Your toupee actually really suits you.”

Trump replied with: “You should invest in a toupee of your own.”

Pictures courtesy of Paul Morris and Pieter-Jannick Dijkstra