CommonSpace’s Balder McDash brings the big stories
One year since English votes for English laws
ONE year on from the Scottish independence referendum, politicians from all parties have this week been reflecting on the outcome of the September 2014 vote.
In a speech to the nation, Prime Minister David Cameron said: “One year ago, the Jocks decisively chose to support English votes for English laws.
“For a time it looked like they weren’t going to go through with it, but in the end we triumphed and proved, once again, that we are the party that best represents the interests of the UK.”
Speaking from on top of her battle horse while gathering her troops at the border, SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said: “Richt! Av had it way the Tories. No more nice Nicky Sturge.
“The gloves are aff Davey boy! They may take our independence day but they’ll never take oor FREEEEEDOM!”
Jeremy Corbyn enters X Factor
NEWLY-ELECTED Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sensationally been unveiled as a late addition to this year’s X Factor line-up.
The news comes just days after Corbyn failed to sing a song at a WWI memorial ceremony.
Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell comnfirmed: “I spoke to Jeremy after the ceremony, and he said that he was very moved by it all.
“He had no idea that both David Cameron and Michael Fallon are such good singers. Apparently Cameron can hit a high F! Jeremy felt embarrassed and couldn’t cope with the pressure.”
He added: “Jeremy has, in response, appointed a minister for music and vocal ability. He will receive weekly private lessons and has pledged to sing at all future occasions – if he makes it past the judges’ houses stage, scheduled to take place at No.10 in two weeks time.”
Simon Cowell is reported to have said: “Jeremy has great potential. He’s got the look, he’s got the personality. But the beard has to go.”
Corbyn’s beard added: “I’m supposed to be a beard, stop asking me questions Balder.”
Lib Dems to be renamed ‘Still Here’
LIBERAL DEMOCRAT leader Tim Farron this week announced his intention to change his party’s official name.
The move has been described by many as a desperate and final attempt to avoid total and complete electoral annihilation, and “lol, hahaha” by others.
Speaking at a press conference, Farron said: “Hello everyone. You probably don’t have a clue who I am, but my name’s Tim and I’m a relly nice guy.
“I’m going to change our party name to Still Here, just in case anyone has forgotten about us.”
Research commissioned through independent pollster U-SUK found that only eight per cent of people like the name change; the other 92 per cent would prefer ‘Who Are You Kidding?’.
Since his defeat at the General Election, former leader Nick Clegg is reported to have been working in a call centre providing financial support for students.
However, rumours suggest that he has fled to the Bahamas upon hearing the announcement.