McDash Reports: Osborne lowers working age to 9; Murray to undergo enthusiasm makeover; Dugdale to create super-nursery


CommonSpace’s brand new weekend news reporter Balder McDash brings you a snapshot of the week’s big stories.

Osborne to lower working age to 9

IN a bid to narrow the poverty gap in Britain Chancellor George Osborne is set to lower the legal working age to nine.

Children are to be encouraged to provide for their families in a move that the chancellor said would more than offset cuts in child tax credit.

Acting leader of the Labour party Harriet Harman criticised the decision: “The poorest members of society deserve more than this.”

Osborne responded by saying: “More? They want… MORE?!”

In the Commons when asked about the children who cannot find work, Osborne replied: “They may have to pick a pocket or two.”

Nine-year-old John Scott, who has a family of five to support, added: “Can I be a sheriff?”

Andy Murray to sound more enthusiastic by 2016

IN an attempt to make Andy Murray sound more enthusiastic, the BBC has announced that interviews with the tennis star will be pre-recorded and speeded up from the start of the 2016 season.

A spokesperson for BBC Sport commented: “This will help Andy’s public image and at the same time give tennis a welcome boost. Our hope is that he will come across as interesting and outgoing.”

The move comes after research commissioned through independent pollster U-Suk found that 57 per cent of the population found him dull and uninteresting in post-match interviews. The other 43 per cent found him unbearable.

One respondent said: “I love watching Murray’s games, but in the post-match interviews I feel like I’ve been thrust into a pit of neverending nothingness which has swallowed all the remnants of anything good I ever felt.”

In response, Murray commented: “I won Wimbledon. What more do they want?”

Dugdale set to create super-nursery

MSPs are increasingly concerned about Kezia Dugdale’s influence on the Scottish Parliament if she becomes leader of the Scottish Labour party.

Dugdale has been criticised for her childlike approach to politics.

An SNP spokesperson alleged that she has asked MSPs to line up outside the debating chamber before First Minister’s Questions.

There are also rumours that she will put forward a motion requiring MSPs to use a tray at snacktime. John Swinney is reportedly on the naughty chair for refusing to open the till in the playshop.

Dugdale commented: “These allegations are totally unfounded and defamatory. All I want is for everyone to play nicely with each other.”

A spokesperson for the Scottish Conservatives added: “She started it.”