CommonSpace’s weekend reporter, Balder McDash, brings you the big stories of the week
SNP opposes ‘English votes for English foxes’
DAVID CAMERON has announced his intention to introduce ‘English votes for English foxes’.
The move comes after the SNP threatened to vote against relaxation of hunting laws in England.
Addressing the Commons in her maiden speech, MP Mhairi Black said: “These poor wee critters deserve more than this. This has nothing to do with nationalism. To the Labour Party I say this; let’s join together and help these cute wee furry creatures.”
David Cameron commented: “This is ridiculous. The Jocks have no right to meddle in our English heritage. That’s why we’ve taken the decision to allow foxes to vote for their own destruction.
“A formal invitation will be extended to all English foxes. Failure to turn up for the vote will be counted as support for us.”
Cameron declined to comment on reports of guard hounds being brought in to patrol the Commons.
He added: “Does anyone know if Jockhunting is technically illegal?”
Shaking her head angrily, Nicola Sturgeon added: “It’s no secret that I want Scotland to become independent. But this was just too good an opportunity for a total wind up to miss.
“Worth every minute.”
Jeremy Corbyn’s pavlova causes concerns
LEFT-WINGER Jeremy Corbyn is set to come out on top in the Labour leadership contest following a dramatic turn of events.
The contest’s format was re-vamped after Ed Miliband’s unexpected victory in 2010, and all four candidates will now compete in a televised head-to-head special edition of the Great British Bake Off.
This week Andy Burnham disappointed his supporters after admitting that he “doesn’t know his butter icing from his puff pastry”.
Keen baker Jermey Corbyn is now the bookies’ favourite to win. According to a constituent in Islington North, Corbyn’s pavlova is “award winning and greatly sought after”.
Mary Berry commented: “I’m absolutely thrilled that I’m going to be involved in such a wonderful event. I’ve always felt that there’s a strong connection between cakes and politics.”
Some voters have criticised the revised format, describing it as “undemocratic” and “leaving a bad taste in the mouth”.
Tomlinson Jnr is the final straw
BOY BAND One Direction are to split after this week’s shock announcement that Louis Tomlinson is to become a dad.
Jeff Dimes, spokesman for Simon Cowell, revealed that Tomlinson is to become a full-time house husband. Harry Styles has reportedly secured himself a job as a trolley boy in Asda and Niall Horan has expressed his intention to open a gift shop selling Irish merchandise. Liam Payne has signed a lucrative cruise ship deal.
Fans around the world are said to be devastated. Nedina McGlumpher, from East Kilbridie, commented: “Louis’ went way too far this time; I dinna’ ken whit a’m gonna’ dae…”
Church attendance around the world is reported to have more than doubled since the announcement.