CommonSpace reporter Balder McDash brings the week’s big stories
‘Another one bites the dust’ soundtrack to Corbyn reshuffle
THIS WEEK a Commons insider revealed that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn repeatedly
listened to one of Queen’s biggest hits as he deliberated over his cabinet reshuffle.
Party members were reportedly taken by surprise by the delayed shakeup and left wondering if there was anyone else left in the shadow cabinet besides Corbyn himself.
BBC political editor Laura AnyoneButCorbynSburg commented: “Jeremy really is taking an awfully long time, isn’t he? I mean come on. Shouldn’t he be playing dominoes or out buying his pandrops?”
Shadow chancellor John McDonnell commented: “People need to remember that Jeremy
likes to take his time. When we’re playing chess some of his moves can take three and a half months.”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that Corbyn may have replaced Hilary Benn with a stunt double. The whereabouts of the real Hilary are unknown.
Osborne’s tears of joy cause widespread flooding
AN INVESTIGATION into widespread flooding around the UK has revealed that Chancellor George Osborne was responsible for the unprecedented environmental impact.
In areas all over the country water levels reached their highest in decades. Yesterday it was confirmed that Osborne’s never ending tears of joy caused many rivers to burst their banks.
In this month’s edition of Conserative magazine ‘Huzzah!’, Osborne gushed: “It suddenly hit me that I’m the chancellor of the first Conservative majority government in over 18 years.
I am the master and saviour of the very plebs that inhabit these green and pleasant lands. It was a revelation that made me burst into uncontrollable tears of joy.”
SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said: “Just when you think the Tories cannae get any worser, Osborne goes and daes something like this. He’s brung nothing but misery tae people all over the UK. Whit a bawbag.”
Kim Jong-un loses game of Monopoly and detonates nuclear bomb
NORTH KOREAN supreme leader Kim Jong-un this week detonated a nuclear bomb after losing a game of Monopoly.
US spy satellite footage is believed to show the leader enjoying the board game with colleagues. However, matters turned sour after Jong landed on Mayfair – which had two hotels owned by US basketball legend Dennis Rodman – and lost everything, including the plot.
Defence secretary Michael Fallon commented: “This announcement makes me jolly
nervous. David Cameron and I may now have to re-think our proposed UK vs North Korea charity Twister tournament.
“Celebrity Jenga might be a safer option. But then again, maybe not.”