CommonSpace weekend reporter Balder McDash brings the week’s big stories
Donald Trump set to join ‘I’m a Celeb’
ITV THIS WEEK confirmed that US Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is preparing to enter the jungle as a late addition to the ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here’ camp.
Trump has already been endorsed by Lady Colin Campbell, allegedly in a bid to secure her place as first lady in the White House.
Newly appointed political editor of the Daily Tory Ted Smirk commented: “It’s certainly a brave move by Trump, and one that’s sure to boost his popularity and credibility here in the UK.”
Speaking from inside his bullet and immigrant-proof house, Trump commented: “I gotta tell you folks, I love the jungle. But those two presenters … they sound foreign. What in the heck language are they speaking? They could be extremists for all we know.”
In response, presenters Ant and Dec said: “Trump will be eatin’ Kangaroo balls if he ain’t careful.”
SNP to introduce monthly referendums
SNP LEADER Nicola Sturgeon this week announced her intention to introduce monthly referendums on the issue of Scottish independence.
Sturgeon commented: “It’s no secret that I want Scotland to become independent, but it really is up to the Scottish people to decide. These new regular referendums will be once in a month-time events.”
Rumours suggest that there will be two separate boxes on the ballot papers: one large one, surrounded with sparkles, and the word ‘YES!’; the other one, small, with the words ‘No … are you sure? Really?’.
Research commissioned through highly-acclaimed independent pollster U-SUK found that 45 per cent of Scots like the idea, the other 55 per cent do not.
In response, newly titled Darth Salmond commented: “Thanks to U-SUK, the SNP has a clear mandate to push ahead with the decision.”
Corbyn to release Christmas single
THIS WEEK the music industry was stunned by the announcement that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has been working on a Christmas single in a bid to raise his popularity.
The news comes only one week after he was filmed singing ‘Incy Wincy Spider’ in a primary school classroom.
A spokesperson for Corbyn confirmed that he has been working closely with Simon Cowell’s record label, TotalSYCO.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the single will be a modern take on a song by The Jam, to be called ‘Labour’s Going Underground’.
The single will be recorded in Los Angeles with a band and three backup singers (one vegan, one environmentalist and one animal rights activist).
Corbyn’s spokesperson confirmed that the CD will also include a bonus track: a duet with Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale of Elton classic ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’.
Corbyn’s Christmas single will be released on CD and cassette on 1 December.